The Weakest Link: LoD Celebrity Edition
by DiamondClaw
Summary: After my month-long sabbatical as a Tibetan Monk, I'm back with the long-awaited Weakest Link CHAPTER 3!!! What surprises await? (not much.) R&R!!
1. Anne The Terrible

The Weakest Link: Legend of Dragoon Celebrity Edition  
by DiamondClaw  
  
LEGAL STUFF:  
I do not own LoD, Sony, NBC, The Weakest Link, or anything else I forgot to mention. But if it's any consolation, Rob Schneider is funny and the answer to every question is Earl. Thank you!  
  
  
(The Weakest Link theme music begins. Anne Robinson walks in and takes her place at the evil podium of death.)  
Anne: Hello, and welcome to...The Weakest Link! Today, we have six characters from the hit video game, Legend of Dragoon. Why six? Because DiamondClaw is too poor to foot the bill for eight. Anyways, since you're not meant to know their last names, I shall introduce them. We have Dart, Shana, Rose, Albert, Kongol, and a common photorealistic beaver! Now, are you all ready to play...The Weakest Link!  
  
All: No.  
  
AR: Too bad. Put 2:30 on the clock, and let's begin. Dart, what is the three-letter abbreviation for cardiopulminary rescesitation?  
  
Dart: CPR.  
  
AR: Correct. Shana, who did the character designs for the game Chrono Trigger?  
  
Shana: Akira Torayama.  
  
AR: Correct. Rose, according to Fox, who controls the universe?  
  
Rose: Andy Richter.  
  
AR: Damn, you people actually have a brain! Albert, Only who can prevent forest fires?  
  
Albert: You?  
  
AR: Wrong. The correct answer is you.  
  
Albert: But that's what I said!  
  
AR: Shut up. Kongol...  
  
Kongol: Bank.  
  
AR: You cannot bank on zero. Who wants to be a millionaire?  
  
Kongol: Regis?  
  
AR: Correct. Also note that I am richer than he is. Photorealistic beaver, what noise does a mouse make?  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Correct. Dart...  
  
Dart: Bank. (current bank: 2,500)  
  
AR: Name the two movies in which Anthony Hopkins starred as Hannibal Lecter.  
  
Dart: 'Silence of The Lambs' and 'Hannibal'.  
  
AR: Correct. Shana, what did you have for dinner last night?  
  
Shana: ....Tacos?  
  
AR: Correct.  
  
Shana: Wait, how did you know?  
  
AR: (clears throat angrily) Rose, what is two plus two?  
  
Rose: Five?  
  
AR: Correct. Albert, why am I such a bitch?  
  
Albert: Run in your pantyhose?  
  
AR: Correct. Kongol, what 'superhero' did Lou Ferrigno portray?  
  
Kongol: What?  
  
AR: Wrong. The correct answer is the Incredible Hulk. Photorealistic beaver, what is the nickname of the man who plays the voice of Kenny on South Park?  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Correct. Dart...(buzzer rings in, signaling the end of the round.) Pitiful. It's idiots like you who are going to put me out of a job someday. You only managed to bank 2,500 GP. Now, who is a few SP short of a Dragoon Level? Contestants, please make your votes...now.  
  
(twenty seconds goes by.)  
  
Dart: Albert.  
  
Shana: Anne.  
  
Rose: Anne.  
  
Albert: Photorealistic Beaver.  
  
Kongol: Anne.  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
Anne: With three votes, I am the weakest link! But, since I am the host, and you are all morons, Rose is out. Just for the hell of it. HA! (jumps up on the podium and starts dancing like a Cossack)  
  
(Rose exits the auditorium.)  
  
(backstage)  
Rose: I swear, she hates me. But I'll just get Zieg to kill her for me...I have that kind of effect on men, you know....(laughs evilly)  
  
(onstage)  
Anne: Well, we have one contestant down, and five to go. Who will go next? Probably Kongol, since I don't like him.  
  
Kongol: HEY!  
  
Anne: We'll find out when we return to...The Weakest Link!!!  
  
(Cut to a commercial.)  
  
(Author's Note: What did you think? I just came up with it on a whim, so it's probably not that good. Please R&R, and round two is coming soon!) 


	2. Ima Throw You Helluva Far!

Legend of Dragoon: Weakest Link Celebrity Edition  
by DiamondClaw, 4/2/01  
  
LEGAL STUFF:  
I do not own LoD, Sony, NBC, The Weakest Link, or anything I forget to mention. I do, however, own six copies of the same Sailor Jupiter picture.  
  
(The theme music plays again, and the camera pans back to Anne.)  
  
Anne: Welcome back to....The Weakest Link! In the last round, our contestants only managed to bank a pathetic 2,500 GP. That won't even put Dart through a community college. Now, let's play....The Weakest Link!  
  
Dart: Excuse me, but aren't I smarter than you are? I don't have to read questions off of cards!  
  
AR: I'll forget you said that. Ten seconds off the clock, and let's begin with Shana. Shana, who can throw you helluva far?  
  
Shana: Uh....Earl?  
  
AR: Incorrect, the correct answer was Mr. T. Albert, true or false, there are rings around Uranus?  
  
Albert: False.  
  
AR: Incorrect, I wasn't talking about the planet. Kongol, Drew Carey is more popular than me.  
  
Kongol: You not ask question.  
  
AR: Correct. Photorealistic beaver...  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Correct, but wait for me to ask the question next time. Dart, boxers or briefs?  
  
Dart: Hanes?  
  
AR: Correct. Shana...  
  
Shana: Bank. (5,000 GP accumulated)  
  
AR: What disorder is characterized by a fear to eat?  
  
Shana: Anorexia.  
  
AR: Correct, and I add that you need to get checked for that. Albert, who's more of a bitch, me or Barbara Walters?  
  
Albert: You, oh your Royal Bitchiness.  
  
AR: Correct, and my title is Duchess of Bitch. Photorealistic Beaver, what noise does a beaver make?  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Correct.  
  
Kongol: What about me?  
  
AR: Shut up.  
  
Dart: You give him easy ones! No fair!  
  
AR: Dart, why do you whine about the fact that Photorealistic Beaver is smarter than you?  
  
Dart: He's not!  
  
AR: Incorrect, the answer is 63. Shana....(buzzer rings in) Our time is up, I cannot complete the question, but the answer is 'Sweet Sweet Candy'. Now, in that round, you manage to bank 5,000 GP, barely enough to cover plane fare for one of you. Now, who is several GP short of a Phantom Shield? Lock your votes in...now. (twenty seconds pass)  
  
Dart: Beaver.  
  
Shana: Dart.  
  
Albert: Kongol.  
  
Kongol: Albert.  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Since you all could not muster your pitiful brainpower to vote off one person, Albert is gone. Just because I am the omnipotent host. And now, some Cossack dancing! (gets up on the podium and starts dancing like a Cossack again)  
  
(Albert walks off.)  
(backstage)  
  
Albert: Just wait until I get that photorealistic beaver. I swear, he must have SLEPT with her to not get voted off!  
  
(onstage)  
Anne: Who is several Dragoon Levels away from a special transform? Find out when we return to....The Weakest Link!!!  
  
(cut to a commercial.)  
  
(Author's note: What didja think of that? I think I'll make it so that reviews have some kind of affect on who gets voted off. I know Anne should lose, but without a satanic host, it just doesn't work. Ciao for now, round three coming soon!) 


	3. Your Freudian Slip Is Showing!!

THE WEAKEST LINK: LoD Celebrity Edition, ROUND 3  
By DiamondClaw, 5/17/02 (finally....)  
Contact me at: rallyvguy@gunsmithcats.com, or spiritprincekoenma@yahoo.com  
  
LEGAL STUFF:  
I do not own Legend of Dragoon, Sony, NBC, The Weakest Link, or any of the characters included in the following story (even Photorealistic Beaver, which I got from Cow and Chicken *sniff!*). Anyways, I do own a PSOne with a screwed-up sound system, but what the hey. Now, on to the (semi) hilarity!!!  
  
(The Weakest Link theme music pipes up again. Anne Robinson is standing at the Evil Podium of Death.)  
  
AR: Welcome back to....The Weakest Link!! If you're still tuned in, that means that chances are you either do not have the ability to change the channel, or that you are some kind of sadist who is torturing your buddies by making them watch this. Anyways, in the last round, you all managed to bank a mere 5,000 GP, bringing your grand total to 7,500 GP. I'm sure that you all do not have the brains to get any more money, so I should just give all the money to Photorealistic Beaver right now!  
  
PB: (squeaks in joy)  
  
AR: Unfortunately, standard game show protocol says I have to be a total bitch, so I won't do that, just for the hell of it. HA! Now, let's take another ten seconds off the clock, and we will begin with Kongol. Begin. Kongol, what famous playwright wrote over 50 plays such as Julius Caesar and Romeo and Juliet?  
  
Kongol: William Shakespeare.  
  
AR: Correct, and I add that he will be far more popular than you, even though he's dead. Photorealistic Beaver, what is the slang term for one who is a fan of Japanese animation, or anime?  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Correct, but please say your answer in English next time. Dart, I have PMS, true or false?  
  
Dart: True, for the love of God, it's TRUE!!!!  
  
AR: Incorrect, I'm far too old to have PMS anymore. Shana, what is the weakest monster in the game Final Fantasy 6?  
  
Shana: Leafer.  
  
AR: Correct. Kongol, I am your father....  
  
Kongol: That not what blood test say!  
  
AR: Correct. Photorealistic beaver...  
  
PB: (squeaks 'bank') (2,500 GP)  
  
AR: Photorealistic beaver, what noise do shoes sliding on a hardwood court make?  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Correct. Dart, what is the name of the author of this fanfic?  
  
Dart: It's.....(a large explosion is heard when Dart says his answer)  
  
AR: Correct. Shana....(buzzer tones in)..I'm sorry, I cannot complete the question, but the answer is Lt. Leslie A. Ablabab. Now, in that round, you banked a miserable 2,500 GP. Now, it's time to vote off....The Weakest Link! Lock in your votes....now.   
  
(20 seconds pass.)  
  
Dart: Beaver.  
  
Shana: Beaver.  
  
Kongol: Beaver.  
  
PB: (squeaks)  
  
AR: Well, Photorealistic Beaver, you have 3 votes, but the Endangered Species of Photorealistic Animals Act of 1997 says specifically that you cannot be voted off. So, with zero votes, Shana, you ARE the Weakest Link! Goodbye!  
  
(Shana leaves sadly.)  
(Backstage.)  
  
Shana: Damn it! If only I could do more than -2 damage in battle, I'd slaughter that bitch! (growls fiercely)  
  
(On stage.)  
  
AR: Who is lacking the necessary MP to cast their Level 5 Dragoon Magic? Find out when we return to....The Weakest Link!!!  
  
Dart: I feel like we're forgetting something...  
  
AR: Oh yeah! (jumps on the podium and does the Cossack dance)  
  
Kongol: Much better.  
  
--------------------ROUND 3 FIN.------------------------------------------  
  
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey, what's up? Yeah, I'm talking to you, sitting at your monitor of your computer at three in the morning, illuminated by your 14-inch SVGA glow....(seriously) I'm looking for another author to do a collaboration with, any subject or genre is fine. If interested, send an email to spiritprinckoenma@yahoo.com with your idea. No, I won't steal it, I promise.) 


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